there's not much else i could be - for better or worse, i am utterly myself. at times i know that is simply not enough - at times i am so utterly aware of every tiny, malformed fold, crack, crevasse and the like that come from that self. and at times i know that it is just too much - flooding over the brim of my container. i have tried to be different - to hold back, to abide, to follow a set order, to be more of somethings and less of others. i cannot bear it. so from the moment you know me i am that i am. i have nothing to give but authenticity and quite honestly i am content that way.
i know myself too well - i've spent years locked inside my own head - unwinding knots and wandering down rabbit holes. you see in there has always been the closest thing to home that i know. inside i never have to explain myself to break my theories, discoveries, connections, and work down into pieces for others to have. inside i can sit down surround by the data and watch the patterns unfold. i see them take shape one by one, overlay and move on, pairing and splitting like an elegant dance. inside everything just is, and that is comfortable.
but inside i am alone.
and people weren't meant to be alone.
i ventured back amongst the living. my days fill with noise and chatter - so. much. information. a constant flow of stimuli that never shuts down. and thus i never shut down. i hardly sleep sometimes usually when i am avoiding analyzing something, because if i sleep i will unwind the knot and be forced to deal with the reality. perhaps i knew this was there. i also knew it would be uncomfortable to integrate. there is no poetry for failure. there is no crescendo dancing on a sheet of music filled with staccato. there is only punctuation.
i missed it. i chose the wrong frame of reference. i assumed what made the pattern fit. that is everyone's fatal mistake. i forgot to question the assumptions. i glanced at the pattern and it fit. i assumed consistency where it had always been. that is not a mistake i make. i question everything. i notice everything whether i want to or not - whether it matters or not. maybe i let it go because i wasn't equipped to change it. maybe i let it go because otherwise i would have to realize that the one thing i have always been able to do right regardless of circumstance would have to be examined. you see there is only one result to that examination - i am not enough. it is a simple reality and one i know all too well of myself. it is impossible to be everything - we are limited, we are human. but i have worked tireless for 11 years to prove that i could be enough - that i could rework the assumptions; that i could give 1000 times as much; that i could find a solution; that i could do the impossible; be the impossible. i always knew it was a fruitless endeavor but it had become therapeutic to me - a kind of rebalancing.
and now everything goes under the microscope.
and sleep will escape me for another day.
but tomorrow is a new day and i am sure it will be one to put my melancholy self-disappointment to rest. the sun will rise and the day will be filled with noise and will be as it always is. i will adapt and normalize and be none the worse for the wear.
you know: curiosity killed the cat.
i know myself too well - i've spent years locked inside my own head - unwinding knots and wandering down rabbit holes. you see in there has always been the closest thing to home that i know. inside i never have to explain myself to break my theories, discoveries, connections, and work down into pieces for others to have. inside i can sit down surround by the data and watch the patterns unfold. i see them take shape one by one, overlay and move on, pairing and splitting like an elegant dance. inside everything just is, and that is comfortable.
but inside i am alone.
and people weren't meant to be alone.
i ventured back amongst the living. my days fill with noise and chatter - so. much. information. a constant flow of stimuli that never shuts down. and thus i never shut down. i hardly sleep sometimes usually when i am avoiding analyzing something, because if i sleep i will unwind the knot and be forced to deal with the reality. perhaps i knew this was there. i also knew it would be uncomfortable to integrate. there is no poetry for failure. there is no crescendo dancing on a sheet of music filled with staccato. there is only punctuation.
i missed it. i chose the wrong frame of reference. i assumed what made the pattern fit. that is everyone's fatal mistake. i forgot to question the assumptions. i glanced at the pattern and it fit. i assumed consistency where it had always been. that is not a mistake i make. i question everything. i notice everything whether i want to or not - whether it matters or not. maybe i let it go because i wasn't equipped to change it. maybe i let it go because otherwise i would have to realize that the one thing i have always been able to do right regardless of circumstance would have to be examined. you see there is only one result to that examination - i am not enough. it is a simple reality and one i know all too well of myself. it is impossible to be everything - we are limited, we are human. but i have worked tireless for 11 years to prove that i could be enough - that i could rework the assumptions; that i could give 1000 times as much; that i could find a solution; that i could do the impossible; be the impossible. i always knew it was a fruitless endeavor but it had become therapeutic to me - a kind of rebalancing.
and now everything goes under the microscope.
and sleep will escape me for another day.
but tomorrow is a new day and i am sure it will be one to put my melancholy self-disappointment to rest. the sun will rise and the day will be filled with noise and will be as it always is. i will adapt and normalize and be none the worse for the wear.
you know: curiosity killed the cat.
