Somedays flow more naturally than others. It's like I have a maximum capacity for social interaction before I have to retreat into the sanctuary of my own thoughts away from the outer chaos. I watch other people and it seems like they don't register the same level of chaos in the outer world that I do. Perhaps they are oblivious or I am over thinking. I'm not sure if there's a balance between those or if one extreme is correct. What I do know is that I cannot always be engaged.
There is so much to process when I am engaget in what's going on in social settings. I automatically become incredibly aware of my environment and the state of the people in it and my concern is engaged and I cannot help but feel responsible on some level for those around me. Typically I feel that my reservoir for pain is incredibly large - perhaps unusually - and thus I am capable of taking on the pain and discomfort of others to help relieve the burden. But at some point I become exhausted by the social engagement and just want to hide away in a cave with just my thoughts.
I live so much inside my head that most of my reality is mainly found there. Maybe that's hard for the people around me. They feel they don't know me and that I am elusive. I am not really I just forget to let myself out of my thoughts - i forget that others are not inside of my inner world with me. And I assume they are comfortable.
I am working on this. But it's a process far from refinement.
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